the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
