My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
