life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
