NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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