soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
