Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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