I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
