1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
