I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
