It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
