my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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