The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
