before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
