Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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