I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
my poor anus
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
