$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
