DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
