Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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