Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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