i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
