I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
