There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
