How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
