You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
