3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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