You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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