K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
