Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
