god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
