her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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