Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
