i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
