I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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