You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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