return my video game
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
