My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
