i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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