Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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