the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
