In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
