Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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