I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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