I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
