Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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