Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
