First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
