If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
