I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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