i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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