I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
